How long should you wait before you tell people you are pregnant? If you’re like me, the answer that popped into your head is 12 weeks. This is generally the norm. We probably know that this is because the chances of miscarrying drop dramatically after the first trimester. However I have 3 reasons you should not wait 12 weeks to tell people you are pregnant.
Why is it the norm to hide our pregnancies for the first 12 weeks instead of just talking about early stage pregnancy and all that comes with it, including miscarraige? It should be normal to tell people as early as we want and here’s why.
Miscarraige is Common
According to Mayo Clinic “About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But the actual number is likely higher because many miscarriages occur very early in pregnancy — before you might even know about a pregnancy.”
A quick google search will tell us that most miscarriages occur because the fetus does not develop as expected. It just happens sometimes. A lot more often than we might think. If we consider the statistics, approximately one in five pregnancies end in miscarraige.
But because no one is telling us they are pregnant before 12 weeks, we don’t hear about any miscarriages. If no one is talking about it, we automatically think it is not happening. Therefore women who do experience this can feel some shame around this happening to them. All because they don’t realise it is actually very common and normal. If we can normalise this conversation, we can reduce the mental impact of it.
We All Need Support
Although I do not have first hand experience, I can imagine that dealing with a miscarraige is incredibly difficult. And like any difficult and challenging times in our lives, we need the love and support of our friends and family to help us get through it.
If we have kept the pregnancy a secret, so that no one will know if we have a miscarriage, how can we get that support? I guess we have to act normal if it does happen? We still need to show up to that birthday dinner? Or that wedding at the weekend? Just act like everything is normal.
Everything is not normal though. Why do people feel they must hide such a huge and devastating event in their lives? Why do people feel the need to show up (or make an excuse not to) at such an incredibly difficult time in their lives?
If we can normalise talking about miscarriages, then maybe expecting parents who suffer this terrible tragedy can let people know what is going on. They can get the support they need and take some time to process what has happened instead of hiding it like a dirty little secret.
A Lot To Deal With
So far, I’ve focused pretty heavily on if a miscarraige happens. But what if you don’t miscarry? Even then, it seems to me that the first trimester is a pretty tough time. There is a lot going on. And having to hide that from everyone must be extremely tiring. A close friend of mine told me about her pregnancy as soon as she found out.
For the rest of that first trimester she proceeded to tell me how difficult it was to hide it from everyone. From the morning sickness, to the extreme tiredness, not to mention trying to come up with excuses to take more time off work for another doctors’ appointment. And the hormones.
This is an exciting time for most people, but it is a trying time for our bodies. There are so many things that I don’t even know about pregnancy but I know for sure, I don’t want the added stress of having to hide it from everyone around me.
Especially if it is taking it’s toll physically and mentally. In that case, I am sure pregnant people would appreciate a little extra support from friends, family and colleagues. However we cannot expect that if they don’t know what is going on with us.
The Choice Should Be Yours
We need to normalise sharing first trimester experiences so that people can get the love and support they need during the early stages of pregnancy, miscarraige or not. And for those who are unfortunate enough to experience miscarraige, they need the comfort to know that firstly that this is normal and there is support available for them. And secondly they can have the space and time to grieve and mend physically and emotionally from such a difficult time.
I am not saying everyone should be forced to declare they are pregnant from the moment they find out. Nor should any expecting parents share any details until they are fully ready and comfortable to do so. We should all do whatever we are comfortable with however, I do think that everyone should feel that they have the option to share whatever they feel is appropriate.
And as far as society goes today, I don’t think people feel as though they have that option. I am not a medical professional and much of the information is based on what I learned from researching this post through the Mayo Clinic however it’s a start. I think we can all benefit from educating ourselves a bit more and normalising the conversation. If you have any insights on the topic, please share in the comments.
Or if you are on the fence about being pregnant at all you might enjoy Why I’m Not Happy For My Pregnant Friend or Should I Freeze My Eggs If I Don’t Want Children.