You can’t help who you like. At one point or another we have all liked someone we shouldn’t; whether it’s your boss, a friend’s brother, the guy at your local bar who you know is married. We’ve all been there.
But things can become a little tricky when the person you like is also your best friend’s ex… AND you want to pursue this.
I am sure some people will say ‘Are you crazy? You can’t date your best friends’ ex!’ But, every situation is different and it’s not always black and white. Sometimes it’s actually acceptable to date your friends’ ex.
Even though you know life would be easier if you didn’t like them but as I said, we can’t help who we like. And my current boyfriend of 3 years, we met because he is best friend’s with my ex. They have been friends since their teenager years. So I understand the difficulty of trying to navigate this situation.
You need to find a balance between living your life and being with whoever you want. But not intentionally hurting your friend or ruining a friendship.
So, here are my 5 rules on dating your friends’ ex, to hopefully make this as smooth as possible for everyone.
Rule 1: You Don't Need To Ask Permission
Many people assume you need to ask for permission to date your friends’ ex. But that’s not what this is about, because their ex is not their property.
However, it is about about being transparent, open and honest. Before you do anything and pursue a relationship, put your friendship first by talking to your friend about how you are feeling and what you are planning to do.
Of course this can be extremely difficult to navigate, depending on their relationship history and how things ended etc. There is no easy way to do this, not that I can think of anyway. I recommend you rip the bandaid. But do this in a way that is sensitive to their feelings.
Be empathetic and genuine, but do not make promises you don’t intend to keep. She may not like what you are telling her but that is a risk you are taking by pursuing her ex.
Telling anyone else in your friendship group before your speaking to your friend is a big NO NO. Imagine hearing this information second hand, it will come across as sneaky and she will believe you are talking about her behind her back. This sets a bad tone for when you do actually talk to her.
Avoid setting up a date with their ex before you have spoken to your friend, because again, it can come across as sneaky and that’s not how you want to be portrayed.
And finally, DO NOT meet with your friend and the ex altogether to have this conversation. She may feel attacked and outnumbered. It’s more awkward and uncomfortable for her and this is the last thing you want for the sake of your friendship.
Rule 2: What's The History
Did they cheat on your friend? Were the abusive, manipulative? Did they cause your friend any hurt or harm? If so, my advice is stay away. Even if they are telling you they have changed.
Firstly, they could do the same to you and secondly it’s going to hurt your friend more as it will be seen as you taking their side. This will also make hanging out extremely awkward and it’s the start of the end to your friendship I’m afraid.
There are plenty of fish in the sea so it’s time to cast your net somewhere else. And definitely DON’T settle just because they are showing you some interest. You can read more about that in our post; Single At 34? It’s Not Time To Settle Yet.
If it was an amicable breakup between your friend and her ex, and the love had just diminished, it’s okay to proceed.
Rule 3: Are They Genuinely Over Each Other
This is something you need to ask yourself for both your friend and their ex.
If the ex is not over the break up, could he be using you as a rebound? Or as a way to get back at your friend? This is an obvious BIG red flag.
Even if you ask them the question, they may not tell the whole truth so you need to trust your gut (and not your heart) on this one.
On the flip side, has your friend had enough time to process the breakup and move on? This doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be with someone new, but just that they aren’t still hurting from the break up. Has there been enough time between their break up and your new fling?
Why does this matter? Because it’s not a good look to console your friend for 1 week and jump into bed with their ex the week after.
Admittedly this is tricky because how long does it take someone to get over a breakup? That is impossible to know as everyone is different. But you need to be respectful and as a rough guide, allow a minimum of 3 – 6 months.
Rule 4: Are The Feelings Genuine
You need to ask YOURSELF this and your friend’s ex. You are potentially causing some unneccessary upset for your friend or within your friendship group.
Is it worthwhile for this guy? If you genuinely both want to give things ago that’s fine but if this is for a bit of fun… go look for that elsewhere. It’s not worth it.
There are plenty of dating apps that can help and if you’re looking for something a bit different, try Thursday. They have tonnes of IRL meet ups!
Rule 5: Keep Things On The DL
As your new relationship begins to blossom you do not need to flaunt this in front of your friend or anyone else. If you’re happy, you don’t have to shout it from the rooftops. Be respectful. And just be happy.
If your friend asks how it is going, you can answer if you want to, but you also don’t have to share details if you don’t feel like it.
Let’s wrap this up. The complexities of dating a friend’s ex are undeniable, but they don’t necessarily spell doom for friendships or potential relationships.
While the idea may initially raise eyebrows and elicit warnings from well-meaning friends and family, the reality is often more nuanced than a simple “off-limits” label.
As with any relationship (including friendships), honesty is the best policy and communication is key. That is going to be the only way to navigate this situation without getting yourself caught up in drama and unnecessary upset.
Finally, be prepared for the worst. If your friend’s ex is the person you want to pursue, you have to be prepared that you may lose a friend. Whether it’s right or wrong (on their part) you can’t control how another person acts or feels about a situation.
Good luck!
A