As with any relationship, friendships will go through ups and downs. In my 20s I would have taken the easy (and immature) road, and gradually phased out anyone who I didn’t want to be friends with anymore. We berate boys for ghosting, and here I was leaving a friend on blue tick.
Thankfully I have grown up since then, and learnt that as with any relationship, communication is key, including with friendships. Instead of just ignoring someone, hoping they will eventually get the hint, I’m mature enough to know this person is owed more than that. Whether it’s a second chance or an explanation for my distance.
I Believed The Friendship Was Over
It was during Covid, which meant I wasn’t actually seeing my friend that often, but her behaviour and actions were changing rapidly and we weren’t seeing eye to eye on things.
She was treating her boyfriend at the time very badly, and making questionable decisions about seeing multiple men at the same time. When everyone else was locked down trying to follow the rules, she was going to illegal parties. At first I was mostly just concerned for her, but then I realised she was choosing to hit the ‘self destruct’ button over and over again and it was affecting our friendship.
You might be asking; ‘How does your friends decisions about covid and guys affect you?’ Well, she would call me up crying, changing her mind every 5 minutes about her boyfriend, as well as cheating on him and asking me for advice but then doing the complete opposite.
This put a strain on our friendship, the conversations didn’t flow because we weren’t agreeing on things. I knew that covid was hard on her as she suffers with anxiety anyway so I tried to be understanding that this new situation we had found ourselves in would be difficult.
At first, I made myself available at any time of day or night, I would send her articles to read on dealing with depression, encourage her to speak to a therapist, send her ideas for new hobbies she could start. I tried everything I could think of to help her and our friendship within the limitations of covid.
A Covid-Restricted Intervention
Because of what was happening in the world, I couldn’t just go and speak to her face to face. That probably would have been better for our friendship and I would always recommend this as a first option.
Instead, I wrote down how I was feeling and everything I wanted to say. We FaceTimed and I told her I didn’t agree with her decisions and that I would not be able to support her as a friend anymore until she was choosing to support herself, because her actions were now affecting me. It felt a bit like an intervention.
There were parts she agreed with, and parts she didn’t. But I believe that when you are so wrapped up with you own life issues, you don’t see how they impact the people around you. We agreed to take some space and I knew the friendship was left on rocky grounds.
Time Is A Healer
It’s cliche, but when someone is p*ssing you off, whether it’s a partner, family member, colleague or friend, remove yourself from the situation. Even if it’s a 10 minute breather, taking time to yourself allows you the space to think and regroup. That’s what our friendship needed, a breather. After a couple of months, we didn’t fall straight back into being best friends, but over time, we slowly built our friendship back up to what it used to be.
I actually found this blog really useful on different ways you can bond with someone to help our relationship. I am guilty of just going to the pub for a drink so these gave me lots of fun and unique ideas.
Stick Or Twist?
Should I wait out a toxic friendship (Stick) or should I do something about it (Twist)? This is only something you can decide and it can be incredibly hard to know.
My advice would be; if the friendship is no longer serving you and the negatives outweigh the positives, it’s time to take action if you want any chance at salvaging your relationship. Leaving it may result in you resenting the person, and it’s hard to come back from that.
Plus, people deserve a second chance. Good luck!
Amber x
P.s if you are in the market for making new friends, read my post on How To Make Friends In Your Thirties, it’s actually surprisingly easy!