Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. We subconsciously do or say things purely out of habit that we’d be better off not doing or saying. And the funny thing about this is we have full control over it. However, we can break the habit and stop. One such habit that I’ve noticed in myself and am subsequently working to break is over explaining. Or justifying myself to others. I stopped explaining myself and it’s the best thing I’ve done.
When we start to dial into this we will likely see many examples in our everyday lives. It can be as simple as declining an invite to drinks after work. The truth is, I don’t want to go. But for some reason, I am compelled to over explain the reason why I am not going to attend. In reality, no one cares. I don’t need to explain beyond politely declining. It can also be something more complex, like a life choice. Maybe you’ve started on a new career path or started living your life in a different way. A more recent example for me is that recently I’ve started being more active on social media.
The Curiosity of Others
People in my life are very curious about this. They have a variety of approaches to asking about this. Sometimes they simply comment and leave a lingering pause “I see you’ve been posting more lately….”. Other times they mask their curiosity with a compliment “Oh I noticed you are posting more, well done for that.” Or there is the influencer joke “I see you’ve been posting more lately, are you trying to become the next big influencer?” (If you’ve read my recent post 4 Reasons We Need To Stop Idolising Influencers you’ll know that is not the motivation).
Previously, I would automatically explain my reason. Now I simply smile and nod.
My over-explaining and justifying is a disruptive emotion that I am learning to control. Automatically trying to justify my reason for doing anything doesn’t make me feel good. And the people I am telling most likely don’t care so it is not adding any value to them either. Therefore, I’ve stopped explaining myself and here is what happened – I’ve been able to:
Take Back My Power
We don’t need the acceptance or approval of others to do whatever we want. Yes, I know we may care about what our close friends and family think but anyone beyond that is irrelevant. If we try to justify ourselves to these people, it’s hard not to feel a little judged by their reaction. Especially if we don’t feel our answer is representative of our true motivation. However we can avoid this entire uncomfortable interaction by simply choosing not to over-explain ourselves. This allows us to take back our power and remain unphased by irrelevant judgement.
Protect My Peace
In my post Don’t Worry | No One Gives A F*ck About You I talk about how people only care about you if what you are doing benefits them. But people also like to have opinions on things that don’t concern them. A simple and beautiful truth is that people cannot have an opinion on something if they don’t know about it. By being selective about who we share our intentions and motivations with we can protect our privacy and therefore our peace. By not over-explaining ourselves we are able to keep our business our business.
Choose My Tribe Selectively
Do you remember when you were a kid, you would tell your best friend your secrets and they’d pinky swear not to tell anyone? By resisting the urge to over-explain ourselves, we are making an active choice to choose our tribe. Not everyone should get the privilege of knowing everything about us.
Some details should be reserved for people we love and trust and vice versa. Although the urge to over-explain can be automatic and involuntary, it is our choice to act on that or control it. By controlling it, we can choose our tribe selectively which will serve us throughout our lives.
By developing the ability to resist a simple urge for a nano second, we can take back our power, protect our peace and be more selective in choosing our tribe. In my opinion all of these things are central to living a happy and fulfilled life. In addition, whilst researching this topic, I realised that sometimes this can be a trauma response known as fawning. Check out: Fawning – What it means. Yet another reason to address it. If you too are on this journey, let us know in the comments.
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