Is Being Selfish Always Bad? Suddenly Thirty

Is being selfish always bad? In a word, no.

As little children, we are taught to share, play nice and never to be selfish. These early lessons serve us for our entire lives. And I fully agree that being selfish is a nasty trait to observe in anyone, especially a fully grown adult. The thing that is interesting to me is, it seems as though the definition of selfish seems to be blurred these days. If I take an extra long shower and use all of the hot water, knowing there are others in the house who need to shower, that is selfish. If I promise my friend to help her with something, but then don’t show up because I find something more fun to do, that is selfish.

However, is it selfish of me to skip a party to prioritise my mental health and well being? Is it selfish of me to pursue a career or lifestyle that brings me joy instead of doing what my parents want me to do? Is it selfish to choose to make a healthy home cooked meal instead of having takeout as my friend wants me to do? I think on paper, we’d all agree that those last few things are not selfish, however, in similar situations I’ve been accused of being selfish. And IF that is selfish, then sign me up.

The Definition

If you look up the definition of ‘Selfish’ one thing that Merriam-Webster, Oxford and almost any other dictionary has in common is concern only for oneself or a lack of regard for others.

To be selfish is to lack consideration for others. The way I look at it, there are many times when people throw around the term selfish, when it actually has nothing to do with them in the first place. Let’s take some examples.

Becoming A Digital Nomad

If you are free of responsibility (e.g. no children and so on) and you choose to Quit Your Job And Become A Digital Nomad that is not selfish. That is you choosing to follow your own path and live your own life. That does not massively impact anyone else yet there may be people around you, who will make it feel as though you are being selfish. However, ironically, they are the ones being selfish in that situation. They are putting their own need to have you close by ahead of your need to live your own life. And by making you feel guilty, they hope you will stay.

Leading A Healthier Lifestyle

If you are choosing to lead a healthier lifestyle, and you are trading late nights at the bar for home cooked meals and early morning gym sessions, people can make you feel selfish for doing that. Those old pals who you usually go to the bar with, can make you feel as though you are ‘letting them down’ by not showing up. They should be able to do that with or without you. Therefore your decision has no impact on them. Instead though, their lack of support toward you is a selfish act. They’d rather have you continue to make unhealthy choices, just so that they don’t have to feel bad about doing it themselves. Selfish.

These are two simple examples. Can you think of any from your own life?

Why Should We Embrace It

If being selfish is what people claim it is these days then no, I don’t think being selfish is really bad at all. In fact, I think we should all embrace it and here is why;

1. You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup

As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, I truly believe we get fulfilment in life from serving others. Think about it, doing a good deed for someone else makes us feel great. However, if we don’t take the time to look after ourselves, we have nothing to give. If we don’t prioritse our own health and wellbeing, we are not able to give anything to anyone else. Sometimes the seemingly selfish choices we make are the ones we need in order to be okay. And if we can be okay in ourselves, then and only then, can we help and serve those around us.

This sounds very extreme but let’s take a simple example. If you are tired and stressed after a long day at work and you need some time to decompress. But that feels selfish so instead you go straight home and play with the kids. But they are loud and excitable. Which is adding to your stress and all of a sudden, you snap at them for something trivial. Would it have been selfish to take that 10 minutes to decompress first? Or was it actually worse to push your needs aside resulting in you snapping? Always remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

2. Happiness Is A Choice

And no one is responsible for yours but you. We will all make many choices and decisions in our lives. Some will be for others, some will be for ourselves and some will benefit everyone involved equally. It is easy to fall into the trap of making too many choices for others and not enough for ourselves as we strive to avoid being ‘selfish’. We may not even realise we are doing it.

All of a sudden, you wake up in your thirties and realise you chose that college course and career because it is what your parents wanted. You started seeing that guy because your friends approved of him. And you are living in this city because you other half always wanted to. Are you really happy? If not, who are you going to blame? You are solely responsible for your own choices. Be selfish enough to choose happiness for yourself.

3. Nobody Gives A F*ck

The really funny thing about people imposing their opinions on us and making us feel selfish for doing things that have nothing to do with them is actually they don’t give a f*ck. Go ahead and do the thing that someone is making you feel selfish for doing. Go to the gym instead of the bar on Saturday night. Disappoint that friend who is making you feel guilty for missing a night out. See what happens? Nothing.

They don’t actually care. They still went to the club and got drunk and had a ‘great night’. You went to the gym and did a good session. Life goes on. Friendship intact. If you want to stop feeling guilty for being selfish, check out this post: Don’t Worry | No One Gives A F*ck About You and you’ll realise you might as well do whatever you want.

Don't Be A D*ck

Let’s be clear. There is no place for being selfish to the point that it negatively impacts others. Don’t be a d*ck. There is no excuse for letting people down at the last minute, consistently. That being said, just because someone accuses you of being selfish, doesn’t necessarily mean you are. So instead of always striving to live for others, remember that we need everything in moderation. Sometimes, putting your needs first, is exactly what you should do, selfish or not.

Maybe this sounds a bit too extreme for you, maybe you’d like to consider the other side of the coin: Is There Really Such A Thing As A Selfless Act?

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Is Being Selfish Always Bad?