You’re in the middle of an emotionally charged conversation with your boyfriend. And you stop to realise, you’re the one doing all the talking… again. Why? Because your boyfriend never expresses his feelings.
It’s frustrating when you’re laying all your feelings on the table and your boyfriend sits there blankly, never expressing his feelings or emotions. You could be talking about your feelings or the latest Kardashian scandel and his expression would be the exact same.
Trying to get someone to open up when they never normally express their feelings is like getting blood out of a stone. It can be annoying and confusing. Does he not love me anymore? What is he thinking? Why doesn’t he just SAY something!?’.
Do You Work For MI5?
Whilst this can be stressful and raise alarms for you, there is actually no need to worry if your boyfriend never expresses his emotions. It’s going to be mission impossible to de-code what your boyfriend is thinking and feeling. You cannot push, force or try to trigger him to be more expressive with how he is feeling. This could have the opposite affect you are looking for. If your boyfriend never expresses his feelings, it’s okay! And here’s why.
Genetics
Men in general are less emotional compared to women. So if you think leaving your boyfriend and finding a new one will solve the problem, it probably won’t. Because genetically, Men are programmed to be ‘hunter-gatherers’ and ‘providers’. This means they feel that their role within the relationship can be to provide you with a house, food, warmth etc (those are very surface level examples but you get the point). Men are practical, not necessarily ‘thinkers’.
Whereas women are often nurturing and with that comes the capacity to provide emotional support and to be emotional. Making it easier for us to express our feelings. Your boyfriend may not express his feelings because it doesn’t feel natural to him.
I’m not saying this is the case for ALL men and women, however it’s a common theme throughout history and the book: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. If you haven’t had a chance to read it, I highly recommend you do.
Therefore you don’t need to panic if your boyfriend doesn’t jump at the chance to express his feelings, because he is simply not genetically designed that way.
Family Influence
How your boyfriend was brought up and his family life experience will likely have shaped who he is today. Not all family’s have a weekly meeting, sharing the highs and lows. Discussing how they feel and what is going on in their life. Some family’s are the complete opposite and barely touch base with each other. Both are fine. But the experiences will have made a difference to what is normal for them.
The first relationship they witness are their parents, this also could play a factor in how they respond to emotion situations. Did they grow up in a household where their Dad worked away a lot? Did their parents divorce and they have never had the chance to witness a healthy communicative relationship?
If they did not grow up being encouraged to express their emotions and feelings, or seeing their parents behave in that way, this way of communicating will be alien for them.
Previous relationships
We all come with baggage. And whilst we hope that his ex-girlfriend trained him well, it’s not a guarantee. Every relationship is so different and what he experienced in his last relationship (perhaps a lack of communication) might be what is normal for him because it’s what he is used to.
Especially if your relationship is new, you need to give him time to learn and understand that you would like him to express his feelings.
Thanks For Nothing, Society
Society has a lot to answer for when it comes to men and their feelings. For a long time (I’m talking centuries), the expectation of men is to be big and strong. To not show their emotion and to always appear in control of their feelings. And now we are asking them to be more emotional and vulnerable. Talk about confusing. Your boyfriend probably doesn’t know whether to be big and strong or emotional and express his feelings.
Personality Types
I am an outgoing person and quite literally the definition of an extrovert. My boyfriend on the other hand could not be more opposite to me. He is shy and reserved, a true introvert. So why am I telling you this?
At the very beginning of our relationship I always felt insecure. Because I never knew how he felt about me or the relationship. He never expressed his emotions. Honestly I didn’t know if we were in a relationship for months and we’d even booked a 4 month trip to Mexico! I thought he was just playing it cool, but then I learned he’s actually a really shy person and feels awkward talking about feelings. Even though he thinks and acts in an emotional way, he doesn’t know how to articulate it and doesn’t want to.
Once I had figured this out I could accept that his lack of showing and expression emotions wasn’t anything to do with me personally, that is just who he is as a person.
All The Reasons Why You Don't Need To Panic If Your Boyfriend Never Expresses His Feelings
- He’s not genetically programmed to talk about his emotions and feelings.
- Your boyfriend’s upbringing has shaped how he deals with emotionally-charged situations. He may find it difficult to express himself as he hasn’t witnessed his parents expressing their feelings.
- His previous relationship was non-communicative and he is not used to being with someone who appreciates communication about feelings.
- Society has pigeon-holed him into believing that he needs to remain big and strong, and showing emotions is deemed a weakness.
- It’s not in his personality to be expressive and outspoken. He struggles to articulate how he is feeling.
The Good News
You can see from this list that the world is actually not set up in a way that supports or encourages men to express their feelings. Whatever their reason is from the above, you need to understand your boyfriend’s lack of expressing his emotions is no reflection on you or your relationship. It doesn’t mean he has lost interest or he doesn’t love you. He simply doesn’t know how to express his feelings or doesn’t want to express them.
It’s frustrating when you are craving an emotional response or reassurance from your other half. But don’t take your frustration out on them. If they are still showing you their emotions and feelings then you have nothing to worry about. And the good news is that you can work together on helping your boyfriend feel more comfortable with expressing his feelings. But be patient with it.
Amber
If you found this article useful, you may also like: The Honest Truth About Settling In A Relationship.
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