Have you ever been asked an inappropriate question that you didn’t know how to answer? I have! Recently a co-worker ask me how old I am in front of a group of peers. Rude. And a couple of months ago, I mentioned in passing that I’d recently had a medical procedure and an acquaintance asked me “what was the procedure?”. Excuse me? We need to talk about a surprisingly simple way to deal with inappropriate questions & comments.
Unfortunately like most of us, I tend to automatically ‘people please’ and overshare. Although it’s something I’ve been doing my whole life, I’m more aware of it as I get older. Ideally, if I’m going to share personal details, I do it as a conscious choice instead of accidentally and automatically. I am working on this recently. However I’ve found that in doing so, I come across defensive and abrasive, which creates an awkward tone within the conversation.
I Don't Think That's Any Of Your Business..
For example if I reply “I don’t think that is any of your business” the other person immediately thinks that I am offended and reacts as such. In most cases, I am not offended. I just don’t think the question or comment is appropriate and therefore I don’t want to engage with it. And sometimes I believe people ask without realising their question may come across as invasive, a genuine mistake.
However other times, I think people know the question is inappropriate. They’ve realised that if they have the audacity to ask inappropriate questions, we will automatically answer. In any case, I’d like to be able to control that uncomfortable emotion and push it back on them by using certain simple phrases. I call them “Judo Phrases”.
Judo Phrases
Judo (Japanese for “the gentle way”) emphasizes winning in combat by using your opponents’ strength against them. Therefore the phrases I use enable us to gently or subtly bat that uncomfortable feeling back onto the person who created it in the first place without derailing the conversation. Of course, this is definitely a work in progress for me right now. And with practice, I will gain confidence and become more effective. For now, I will share the phrases that I have come up with so far;
- Did I hear that correctly?
- I am not sure how that is relevant..
- Well, that’s not really the point, the point is..
- It’s not important <<Insert Example>>, what is important is..
- Woah, that comment/question really caught me off guard..
- (Gently laugh) Sorry, I was not expecting/prepared for that question
- I’m not lost for words very often, but I don’t know what to say to that
- Why do you ask?
- That seems like a strange thing to say/ask..
- A long pause with the appropriately confused facial expression
And yes, I know that a long pause is not a phrase, however sometimes it can be even more effective. I am still mastering the art of the pause though.
What Works For You?
With the Holidays fast approaching, many of us will spend more time than usual with relatives, neighbours and old friends. Although we love them dearly, we are all aware how relatives can sometimes make inappropriate comments and ask invasive questions. Perhaps preparing some Judo Phrases of your own, will help. Or feel free to steal the ones I’ve shared.
I’m learning to embrace my own peace and power at the moment. If you are on this journey too you may also be interested in our recent post “I Stopped Explaining Myself And Here Is What Happened”. Please share your own ‘judo phrases’ or suggestions in the comments to help me out. My next step is to read “Set Boundaries, Find Peace. A guide to reclaiming yourself”. If anyone has already read it, do you recommend it?