When it comes to our relationships, society tells us that we should never settle. Apparently it’s bad to settle in a relationship. Yet we so often use the term ‘settling’ in a positive sense in other areas of our lives. Which makes ‘settling’ conflicting.
“You are settling in really well at the company.”
“I have settled in to my new place nicely”
“We are just settling in to the hotel now.”
I don’t believe that settling is a relationship is as black and white as everyone makes out it is. And it’s not until you are questioning it that you realise this.
Let’s look some areas of a relationship that some people may settle on:
- A lack of sex life
- No financial security
- No promise of a future
- A lack of ‘true love’ feelings
- A physically absent partner
- An emotionally absent partner
These are just some aspects of a relationship someone might settle on. But there’s a give and take, you don’t tend to stay with someone and get nothing from the relationship. Which often means that although we have settled for X, we do so because we get Y. E.g you settle on having a physically absent partner because they provide financial security.
In my opinion, it’s not necessarily settling, but we are simply compromising with ourselves. Deciding what we are willing to sacrifice in our list of prioritise for a partner. So that we can justify being with the person we have chosen. No one is perfect, which means to some degree there will always be a % of settling no matter who it is with. What it comes down to is deciding if the settling is worth it in the long run and sustainable.
If you are reading this post, the chances are you are questioning or trying to understand if you are settling in your relationship. First off, that is a warning signal in itself, BUT the reason that you’re here is because you probably want your relationship to thrive, despite the feeling of ‘settling’. Which shows how complex this feeling is.
Let me guess, your partner is perfect in every single way. Apart from this one teeny, tiny niggle, which gets you thinking every now and again; ‘Is this really, truly what I want for the rest of my life?’ And when you put it like that, you have the realisation that THE REST OF YOUR LIFE is actually a long f*cking time. And time goes quick, right? So there’s a fear that we don’t want to waste our time or anyone else’s, but then the questions start going around in your head:
– What if we break up and it’s a mistake?
– What if we stay together and it’s a mistake?
– How do I really know they are the one?
– Is there someone better for me out there?
– What if I can’t get anyone better?
You can probably tell I have been in this situation before.
Never Settle... Or Should You?
You’ll always hear people say, ‘never settle’, but as I mentioned before it’s not as black and white as everyone else makes it out to be. People fulfil you in different ways and that is true not only in relationships, but with friendships, family members and work colleagues. For me personally, I have friends that I go to for advice and friends that I go to when I want a good night out. Because it’s almost impossible for 1 person to fulfil all your needs and vice versa, and that’s the same for a relationship.
Throughout your relationships you will remember how one partner was great for financial stability, whilst another partner you had an amazing sex life with and let’s not forget the person that promised you the marriage and kids you always wanted. And for an amount of time, you probably sacrificed something else in each of those relationships so you could have the other things provided to you.
We are all complex human beings and we are constantly changing, which makes things even more complicated when it comes to bringing two people together, trying to continually share 1 life.
What Does It Feel Like To Settle In A Relationship?
I can only give you my experience of what it feels like to settle in a relationship and hope that it helps you navigate this difficult time. But as I’ve said, all people and all relationships are different.
For the sake of this post, let’s call my ex Joe. On paper, Joe ticked every box, he was an all-round great guy with a good job and was loved by my family (it’s always tricky when they get along with your friends and family making them seem even more perfect). Any girl would be lucky to have him, and yet throughout the 2 years we were together I found myself constantly wondering if I was really IN love with him.
After a while I accepted I was sacrificing that head over heels, crazy in love feeling for everything else he provided me with. Eventually I knew that I could no longer compromise on those feelings. They outweighed all the other benefits of him and our relationship and so I ended it. But that is just my story.
There are plenty of people who stay in a relationship and feel as though they are settling but they are still happy and have a great relationship.
How Do You Know If You Are Settling In A Relationship?
Ugh this is a tricky one. Unfortunately there is no science to this. For me, I just knew deep down in my core and eventually I had to accept my true feelings. But you could try the following:
- Write down your non-negotiables for a partner and for the type of relationship you want.
- Make sure you’re not lying to yourself or justifying your relationship to yourself to feel better about your choice.
- Remind yourself you are going to be okay without them. Sometimes we don’t want to give a relationship up for the fear of being on our own, but that’s not enough reason to stay with someone. (Read our post; Why Spending Time Alone Is The Ultimate Flex).
- Can you truly accept what you feel is lacking in the relationship now and potentially forever?
This might not give you the answer you want or any answer at all, because the reality is no one can tell you if you are settling and what you should do if you are. That’s up to you, as it’s your life at the end of the day.
If you think about it, we actually spend a lot of our lives making sacrifices, compromises and settling. It’s not just in a relationship. We do this with our friend choices, the jobs we have, the cars we buy and even the holidays we go on. It’s rare for us to have anything in our lives that is totally, 100% perfect and we wouldn’t change a thing.
This in itself confuses matters, we settle in so many other aspects yet we are made to feel like we absolutely CANNOT and SHOULD NOT settle in a relationship. And as I sit here, next to my current boyfriend, I know he is not perfect (though I am sure he would tell you otherwise), and neither are we as a couple. But I accept, embrace and sometimes compromise all and any faults (for now) to be with him. But I also don’t have a feeling that I am settling. And I think that’s the key for me.
Amber x
P.s A really great book to read on relationships and the different types of ‘loves’ is You Only Fall In Love Three Times. To help you better understand yourself and your relationships.
If you do find yourself suddenly single, read our post: How To Make The Most Out Of Getting Dumped.
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