I can’t say my family were overly pleased when I told them Matt was 11 years older than me. But, it’s not the first time I have brought an older Man home. No, I don’t have ‘Daddy issues’, or a thing for grey hair, though the silver fox look is hot. I have dated people my own age and even younger than me. When it comes to dating, I am not ageist!
However, I never would have found Matt on a dating site because my age limit would have stopped before 40s, yet here I am. Luckily we already knew each other, when we dated years ago and I was in my early 20s and he was early 30s. I don’t know why but it was almost more acceptable, maybe even ‘cool’ to be dating a guy in his 30s. Now when I tell people Matt is 11 years my senior, I get;
“F*ck that’s old”
“I didn’t realise he was that old”
“How did you two even meet?” (I like to tell people he was my Biology teacher at school)
It’s normal to have concerns or questions when dating someone with a big age difference, and it’s expected that friends and family will have their worries too. So here’s a bit more insight into what you can expect when dating someone 10 years older than you.
Everyone Will Have An Opinion
There is a higher chance that dating an older person means they come with baggage. They’ve had an extra 10+ years dating than you. That increases the chance of marriages, divorces, children, houses, pets. And I am using plural because it’s not unheard of to have been married twice by the time you are 40. With this comes questions and opinions from everyone else:
“Do you really want to be looking after someone else’s kid?”
“He’s already been married, he won’t want to marry again.”
Even though Matt doesn’t come with any baggage, apparently there’s a negative to that too because everyone thinks there must be something wrong with him:
“Why has he never been tied down?”
“Doesn’t he want kids?”
“Who doesn’t own their own house at his age?”
What I have learnt is that either way you can’t win. You will realise that everyone has something to say about your relationship, behind your back or to your face. But as long as you are happy, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
Another good post to read is: I Stopped Explaining Myself And Here’s What Happened that demonstrates WHY you don’t need to explain your choices but also the benefits you’ll experience when you actually stop explaining yourself. Trust me, it’s worth the read!
But The Reality Is, They Probably Do Come With Added 'Extras'
Yes the reality is, if you are dating someone 10 years older they probably come as a package deal. The term ‘Baggage’ is negative and I personally don’t feel it’s right to associate someone else’s children or ex in that way so let’s call them ‘extras’. ‘Extras’ don’t always have to be negative, they just add a different dynamic to the relationship.
My friend has dated men with children and she has always enjoyed having them as part of her life. Another friend dated someone going through a divorce, she never met the ex-wife, nor did it cause any complications to their relationship.
I have definitely witnessed more complex and difficult scenarios where children or money are involved. But as long as the person is honest and upfront from day one, so you know what you are getting yourself into, then it’s your call.
And remember that you can date someone the same age as you and there’s a chance they could have children or a mortgage with someone else, that’s just life. You have to be comfortable with the situation you are getting yourself in to.
You're At Different Life Stages
It might not be apparent from the start, but there’s a high probability you will be at different life stages. Given the 10 year age difference in your relationship, you could be out partying and going to festivals and they might be into dinner parties and lavish holidays. It’s all about communication, honesty and expectations. It might seem too soon to have serious conversations around kids and marriage, but discussed in the right way it doesn’t have to feel pressuring. You just need to know if you’re on the same page about all the big life decisions, and if you’re not sure, that’s okay too.
Good communication ends a lot of bad things."
You Can Take The P*ss Out Of Their Age
This is definitely a pro to being with someone 10 years older than you. You will always have age on your side and use it as your trump card when you’re being playful.
More Life Experience And Knowledge
Dating someone 10 years older than you means they will likely have more life experience and that’s a benefit. Matt had been travelling for 6 years before I joined him, so when I started travelling too he already knew the ropes. I do think it’s good to experience and learn some mistakes for yourself, but there’s a benefit to having someone who’s ‘been there and done that’. It helps you to avoid making the same mistakes they did.
On the flip side to this, I do find that there’s a lot I want to do and experience, whereas Matt isn’t that fussed because he’s already done it. Therefore you have to get comfortable and embrace spending time alone or doing things solo.
Age Is Just A Number
This really is true, if the relationship is right, you won’t notice the age difference. As with any relationship there should be a mutual respect and understanding of each individual, irrelative of age.
I asked my friend, who is also dating someone 10 years older than her, what people should expect and this was her well-rounded response:
“Expect nothing because men are immature so it’s like we are the same age”
There you have it, in reality, dating someone 10 years older than you isn’t much different to dating someone your own age.
– Communication is key
– Forget about what anyone else thinks
– Be prepared for some potential added ‘extras’
If you’re looking for some relationship support without the price of a therapist, you should check out the Blueheart app.
I hope you have found this useful and should you have any questions or advice you’d like to add from your own experience, feel free to comment below!
Amber x
Sign up for our newsletter to become a part of the Suddenly Thirty community - stay up to date on new posts and community events!