One of the reason I broke up my ex was because I didn’t get along with his family. I found his Mum intolerable and I couldn’t be with someone who’s family made me fake sickness every weekend so I wouldn’t have to sit through a Sunday roast with them. I was young at the time and in hindsight, and a lot more experience with a mother-in-law, I realise I was kinda the problem too. Who knew I am also a pain in the ass!?… It was my own family that reminded me of this, of course.
Anyway, as I am much older and wiser now, I realise and appreciate the importance of getting along with my partner’s family. And I’m guessing, as you’ve found yourself here it’s important for you too. This is the first step! Just the fact that you are wanting a better relationship shows willingness so you are already off to a good start.
1. Communication
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no relationship can function without good communication. It’s also the first point in my post 6 Simple Ways To Having A Better Relationship With Your Siblings. You can’t build a relationship without communication so this is where you have to start.
But first you need to figure out how they like to communicate, maybe they like a good natter on the phone, or a simple WhatsApp message. If you don’t know then ask your partner (hopefully) they should know.
Matt’s mum likes to receive pictures of our travels so she can see what we are up to and Matt never bothers with this. She really appreciates it and it only takes minimal time and effort and I check in on how she is at the same time.
Asking questions about their life is key:
- How’s the house hunt going?
- How’s work going?
- Has the puppy ripped up the sofa yet?
- When is your next holiday? Do you need any ideas?
- How are the house renovations coming along?
- Are you still have problems with the noisy neighbours?
Once you have a base knowledge of her life, you can build on that and the conversations will become more genuine and fluid. You’ll actually enjoying checking in and hearing updates.
2. Boundaries
All relationships need boundaries to some degree and that includes with you mother-in-law. That means not sharing too much information about your relationship. And you deciding how involved she can be. It’s your relationship at the end of the day.
Do you want her advice on the house you are buying? Or how to bring up her grandkids? You can’t exclude her entirely as she is still family but equally if you don’t have boundaries, she’s going to annoy you.
3. Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Everyone is irritating from time to time, including you, your partner and their mum. It’s important to remember that she is not purposely trying to irritate you and often is actually just trying to be helpful.
I know a few of my mum friends that feel like their mother-in-law gets involved with bringing up their baby, now I can’t relate to this but I am sure it comes from a good place and a place of experience.
When you’re feeling annoyed with your mum-in-law, the best thing to do is learn to brush it off and not let it affect you. If you need to, politely remove yourself from the situation and take a 2 minute breather to cool your head. And if things gets really bad then either talk to her if you feel comfortable or your partner on the best way to deal with the situation.
4. Time & Effort
Relationships of any kind are a two way street, and cannot flourish without time and effort being put it. That doesn’t mean you need to dedicate X amount of hours per week to your mother-in-law, that is your partners job. But you should be present in the effort he puts in from time to time. Hopefully this is reciprocated towards you too, but if it’s not, you will need to bridge the gap until it is. Small and thoughtful gestures can go a long way, here’s some things you can try:
– Give her a book you’ve read and thought she might like
– Print off pictures of you and your partner and mail them to her
– Buy her a scarf you saw her admiring in the shops
– Drop round some brownies you made
– Offer to walk her dog
5. Common Interests
Treat this relationship as you would when trying to make a new friend, because ultimately that’s what your mother-in-law should feel like, a friend. Not so close that you tell her about the latest sex toy you purchased. But a friend you enjoy going to yoga with or playing tennis against. If you can find common ground it’s going to make things a lot easier. Maybe she will even teach you a new hobby!
Remember that you’re all on the same team and you all want the best for your partner and relationship. Sometimes it may not feel that way, but ultimately it’s their son’s choice who they decide to be with and who makes them happy.
If your Mother-in-law can’t get on board with your relationship after you’ve made an effort with her, that’s her problem and not yours.
If you have more advice for dealing with Mother-In-Laws please drop them in the comments below for all us to learn!
Amber x